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Solid Insult
Ek Bachcha Park mein Bench pe betha tha aur 1 k bad 1 Toffee kha raha tha. Pas bethi 1 Aunty boli : Jyada meetha khane wale jaldi mar jate hai. Boy : Aap ko malum hai meri Dadi ki age 106 Saal thi. Aunty : Wo meetha kam khati hongi. Boy : Nahi...!!! Wo apne Kaam se Kaam rakhti thi....!!! INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5. And then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. What can I do? Reply: Dear Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Then it will automatically runs the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0.... Otherwise new virus Girlfried 2.5 automatically downloaded into your system. So be careful. In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7. Good Luck Madam! #############
Doctor pagal se- Ye kya hai? Pagal- Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai... Doctor- Tumne 500📕 panno pe kya likha? Pagal: 1st page pe likha hai 1 raja 🏇 ghode par baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe likha ke wo raja jungle pahuch gaya.. Doctor- To Kaminey! Bich ke 498 panno pe kya likha? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pagal- tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Faddu Insult :
Dukandar- bolo sahab, kya chahiye? Customer- biwi ke kutte ke liye cake lene aaya hu, milega kya?? Dukandar- yahi kahoge ya parcel karke dun?? A Misunderstanding
A few monks were sitting around one day talking about the Scriptures and how many times they had been translated. One monk decided to translate them for himself, so went into the library and started to work. He was down there for hours, the hours turned into days. No one saw him for quite some time, and the other monks began to wonder. Finally, one day, a fellow monk went to the library to look for him. When he found him, the monk that was translating the Scriptures was crying his eyes out, nothing like he had ever seen before. When he asked what was wrong, the monk told him, “It said ‘celebrate,’ not celibate!” It’s a Dog’s Life
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jane, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?” Suggestion Box
Joe and Frank were in the office and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, “The office workers should all be given raises!” When he looked at Frank’s card, it said, “Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick’s Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King’s Birthday?” Joe said, “Frank, that isn’t the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn’t put all of your begs in one ask-it.” Picking up the Bill
Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the house when a stock boy accidentally knocks into him. “Pardon me,” the stock boy says. “Sure,” Clinton replies, “but it’ll cost you.” Managers and Engineers
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer? We’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.” Board Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister. “I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.” The Homeless Man
There was a man walking down the sidewalk when he was approached by a homeless man. The homeless man asked if the man had a couple of dollars that he could spare. The man said, “yes I think I have a couple of dollars to spare but I am afraid that you would spend it on Budweiser.” The homeless man says, “No sir, I have given up drinking.” The man thinks about it a moment and says, “I am afraid that if I gave you the money that you would spend it gambling.” The homeless man says, “No, I do not gamble. I have to save my money in order to survive.” The man thinks about this for a minute and then says, “Well, I would give you the money but I am afraid that you would spend it on golf fees.” The homeless man again says, “No sir, I would not do that I have not played golf in over 20 years.” The man thinks again and tells the homeless man that he is not going to give him the money instead, he is going to take him to his house and have his wife fix him a nice home cooked meal and relax. The homeless man thinks about this for a moment and then asks the man if his wife would get upset since he is dirty and unkempt. The man thinks and says to the homeless man, “No, I just want my wife to see what a man who has given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.” Welcome to the Real World
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home….Please Mum!” “Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “ Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron and cook. May I take your order...?
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! After a few minutes of commotion, the restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy,but i want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!" Say What ?
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" |
गजब परिवार ...
4 बहनें थी.. एक का नाम था टूटेली, दूसरी का नाम था फटेली, तीसरी का नाम था सड़ेली, चौथी का नाम था मरेली.. एक दिन उनके घर पर गेस्ट आए.. मम्मी ने, पूछा : आप उपर कुर्सी पर बैठेंगे या नीचे चटाई पर..? गेस्ट: कुर्सी पर मम्मी: टूटेली!! कुर्सी लेकर आओ. गेस्ट: नहीं नहीं ठीक है.. हम चटाई पर ही बैठ जाएँगे.. मम्मी: फटेली!! चटाई लेकर आओ. गेस्ट: रहने दीजिए हम ज़मीन पर ही बैठ जाएँगे. (गेस्ट ज़मीन पर बैठ गये..) लड़की: आप चाय पीएँगे या दूध? गेस्ट: छाए मम्मी: सड़ेली!! चाय लेकर आओ. गेस्ट: नहीं, नहीं, हम दूध ही पी लेंगे. मम्मी: मरेली!! गाय का दूध लेके आओ. (गेस्ट कन्फ्यूज़ हो गया.) और घर के बाहर भागा..!!! A Bundle of Energy?
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, “Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?” “My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clock sharp.” “You wake up at six o’clock?” “Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours.” Squirms of Endearment
A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.” Mommy’s Little Angel
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!’ ” You Drunken Swine!
Joe had one too many drinks one night and staggers out of the bar toward the bus stop. Eventually , a bus turns up and he gets on, grinning as he finally flops down into a seat next to a rather prim and proper looking old lady. The lady leans over and says, “I’ve got news for you, you drunken swine, --you’re going straight to hell. Joe sits upright in his seat and shouts out, “Hey, I’m on the wrong bus!” Buffet Is the Way
Horace grabbed his plate and walked up to the buffet for the 4th time. “Aren’t you embarrassed to go for so many helpings?” asked his wife. “Not a bit,” Horace replied, “I keep telling them it’s for you.” The Moon
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs… the tallest ones, anyway. Take the Bill
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.” The twenty dollar bill answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of basketball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about are you?” The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.” Mental Health
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “He’s probably a basketball coach?” Three before God
George Bush, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did, he was not changing his mind. So George Bush went in and told his staff, “I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news…there IS a God. The bad news is that he is destroying Earth in 3 days.” Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, “I have bad news and more bad news. The first is… there IS a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.” Bill Gates went back and told his staff, “I have good news and good news. First… God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second, you don’t have to fix the bugs in windows 2000.” #############
Boy :- kya tum hamesha mere saath rehne ka vaada kar sakti ho.. . Girl- haan... . Boy- kabhi chhod ke nahijaogi.. . Girl- nahi.. . Boy- kya kya kar sakti ho mere liye.. . Girl- jo bhi tum bolo... . Boy- mujhe kabhi shikayat ka mauka nahi dogi.. . Girl- kabhi nahi... . Boy- tumhe kya chahiye mujhse.. . Girl- 5000 per month.. . Boy- thik hai.. kal se kaam pe aa jana, jhadu aur baki safai ka saaman kharid lene.. . Girl- jii saab ab main chalti hai...:P . [Aur tum soch rahe the girlfriend itni achi kab se ho gyi:P] Adventures of the Elderly
An elderly woman remarked to a friend that getting older is an adventure, because no matter what you're doing, it always seems like it's the first time you did it. Her friend said, "That's a great insight! I want to write that down." The woman said, "What's that?" Her friend said, "The fact that getting older is an adventure, because no matter what you're doing, it always seems like it's the first time you did it." The woman said, "Oh that is a great insight! I want to write it down too." If only Resumes told the truth!
OBJECTIVE: To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. EDUCATION School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask EMPLOYMENT and past Experience * NETWORK MANAGEMENT (Present): Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. * DEBT CONSOLIDATION (7/06-10/07): Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father. * RESIDENT INHALER (9/04-6/06): Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling. COMPUTER SKILLS * Solitaire * Minesweeper * On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS * First Place in Hot Dog eating and beer drinking tournaments. * Said Toast at brother's wedding. * Highest Score on Pin Ball Machine. For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant. Engineering Admission
Tortoise and rabbit wrote entrance exam Tortoise got 80% Rabbit 81%. Both went 4 admission in an engineering college Cut off needed was 85%... Rabbit didnt get but Tortoise got admission.. How ?? . Remember ?? when we were in 1st standard tortoise won a race... Sports quota 5% marks extra... The old man's pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast... |